26 Oct WINTER SEASON LOOKAHEAD
Usain Bolt saves his local supermarket, Paula gets a parking ticket and chaotic scenes mar the London Marathon as James Fairbourn predicts the stories likely to be making the headlines this winter.
Charnwood Borough Council send out a polite reminder to all residents of which items should be placed in the recycling bins. Paula Radcliffe immediately releases a 4,500 word defence of her recycling record stating she has ‘clearly been implicated under the cloak of a mass mailshot’. She later refuses to open up her bins for inspection.
Steve Cram is asked to referee a local U12 football match. After awarding 18 penalties to the home team and visibly celebrating after they grabbed a late winner, he said that he ‘didn’t have to be impartial’ and ‘was reflecting what the spectators wanted’.
Usain Bolt visits his local supermarket in Jamaica. The media beam the images around the world stating that ‘he may have just saved his shop’.
Belgrave Harriers announce the signing of Justin Gatlin to bolster their Southern League squad.
Paula ******* ****** *** ******** ****** ******* ***** to question ***** ***** *** ********* ***** ****** **** blood **** ***** ****** ***** **** *** **** legal ***** ***** ***** ******** *** ‘deeply troubling’.
Lord Coe announces that the IAAF offices in London will be switching energy providers to Eon. He goes onto say that it is ‘purely coincidental’ that he holds an ambassadorial role with the company.
Greg Rutherford refuses to board a British Airways flight after noticing that the Union Jack was not prominently displayed anywhere on the aircraft.
British Athletics announce that funding for the Great British sprint relay teams will be doubled in an effort to stem the tide of poor championship performances.
USADA completes its investigation into Alberto Salazar but – after meeting with Lord Coe and various Nike executives – opts to ‘delay publication’ of its findings.
The BBC begin preparations for the Rio Olympics with the purchase of a ‘high horse’ from which various pundits can tell viewers about how awful Justin Gatlin is.
Andy Vernon is forced to pull out of the European Cross Country Championships after ‘a clerical mix up’ at British Athletics meant that his airline ticket was never issued.
David Rudisha announces his intention to race for Great Britain from now on. A beaming Niels De Vos explains to bemused reporters that Rudisha had discovered a British 17th cousin in his lineage and it ‘was good to welcome him home’.
USADA belatedly reveal that Alberto Salazar is ‘totally clean’ and that he was ‘the epitome of a dedicated, professional and – above all – legal track coach’. The official report is briefly taken down from the internet after ‘an earlier draft’ had Lord Coe’s ‘purely grammatical’ corrections on it.
Barrack Obama blames Justin Gatlin for the rising unemployment rate in the United States.
Paula Radcliffe calls a press conference to once again reiterate that she never cheated as an athlete. After this makes headline news, she calls another one to accuse the media of ‘dragging up old stories’. Lord Coe calls her treatment ‘tantamount to harassment’.
Mo Farah breaks the indoor 3-mile world record whilst in the middle of a tempo run. He spends his victory speech thanking his Instagram followers as bored spectators leave the stadium.
A mysterious fire at an IAAF testing facility in Switzerland leaves thirteen with minor injuries . The labs – containing over ten thousand frozen blood samples going back a decade – were completely destroyed. Lord Coe tells reporters that ‘there was no concern’ as all the samples in the laboratory were from ‘clean athletes’.
Mo Farah announces that he will never fly with British Airways again. A company spokesman revealed that the Olympic champion had demanded that everybody with the surname ‘Vernon’ be blocked from travelling on any of his flights .
Lord Coe is revealed as a new ‘Apple Ambassador’. The President of the IAAF insists that the organisation’s complete switch over to MacBook Airs was ‘a total coincidence’. His Lordship then spends twenty minutes detailing why he loves the iPhone.
USADA release a third statement regarding their investigation into Alberto Salazar. In it, they announce an investigation into all ‘non-Salazar athletes’.
Sepp Blatter is named as the Vice President of Commercial Operations at the IAAF. Lord Coe is on hand to explain to concerned fans that Blatter was ‘the only non-corrupt official’ at FIFA and was a ‘quite brilliant man’.
Athletics Weekly apologise to British Athletics after appearing to criticise the sparse crowd at an indoor meeting. Jason Henderson dedicates a three-page spread to what a ‘brilliant job’ Niels De Vos was doing.
Paula Radcliffe is given a parking ticket after appearing to overstay her welcome at a local Sainsbury’s. The marathon world record holder says that ‘numerous experts’ had concluded that she was innocent but refused to make any of this evidence available to the public.
USADA announce that – in their opinion – all athletes not coached by Alberto Salazar were ‘legally questionable’. Sporting a new pair of Nike running shoes, Tyler Taggart is spotted out running with Galen Rupp.
The London Marathon takes place amid chaotic scenes as the drug-testing caravan suddenly loses all power rendering samples worthless. Lord Coe reassures worried viewers that he had inspected every athlete personally and could testify as to their legality.
The IAAF announces an investigation into why Justin Gatlin is not in prison yet.
British Athletics reveal that the Olympic 10,000m standard will be ‘five seconds quicker than whatever Andy Vernon runs’.
Usain Bolt tells Oprah Winfrey that he has decided to retire from athletics effective immediately. The world is reported to have stopped its rotation of the sun as the UN begins preparations for ‘THE END’.