06 Sep The Season Ahead: Bolt to Man Utd, Ortis for UKA & van Comedy wins I’m a Celeb
Fairbs gets out his crystal ball and takes a look at what the major talking points will be in a busy pre-Christmas period of road and cross country action.
British Athletics announce that David Beckham will take over as the 4x100m team manager. Chief Executive Niels De Vos denies this is a publicity stunt at the unveiling ceremony in London.
Mo Farah wins the Great North Run in a new world best of 55:09. Galen Rupp is second in 55:35. Alberto Salazar calls a press conference to defend his athletes and talk about himself for a while.
Belgrave Harriers win the Southern 6 Stage Road Relays by 3 and a half minutes from Newham & Essex Beagles. NEB team manager Bob Smith immediately announces that he is joining the UK Independence Party.
Leeds win the Northern 6 Stage comfortably prompting wild celebrations on the Eightlane forum. The team are praised for their ‘moral grit’ and for ‘saving athletics’. Luke Cragg says that he cancelled his holiday in Spain this year in protest to ‘evil Belgrave’.
A similar event for the Midlands also takes place.
Charles van Commenee denies that he is interested in having his old job back despite being seen loitering around Athletics House in Birmingham.
Usain Bolt is seen in training with Manchester United. Manager David Moyes announces that he would consider signing the sprint king before opting for Dwain Chambers instead.
Belgrave Harriers win the National 6 Stage Relay by 4 seconds with a team made up entirely of London based, English runners. Leeds (who finished second) call this ‘disgusting racism’. Eightlane is awash with calls for Belgrave to be stripped of the title.
British Athletics announce Andrex as their new official toilet paper. On the same day they announce that Neil Black has been offered the role of Performance Director on a permanent basis. @CharlesVComedy tweets his congratulations.
Tyson Gay is disqualified from his hometown’s annual pumpkin throwing competition after ‘irregularities’ were found in his seeds. He claims that he ‘put his trust’ in his gardener and ‘was let down’ at an emotional press conference.
David Beckham resigns as manager of the men’s relay team. At a tearful press conference, Beckham said that the job was ‘totally impossible’. British Athletics announce that Ortis Deley will take over on an interim basis.
Mo Farah wins the National Cross Relays by running all 4 legs himself. He also finishes second by doing it again. Leeds call for an investigation into the result. Alberto Salazar calls them ‘bitter’ at a press conference.
Usain Bolt announces that he is pondering a move to become the next President of the United States. Niels De Vos sends him his support and Athletics Weekly create ‘BOLT FOR PRESIDENT’ posters.
Andy Vernon wins the European Cross Country Trials in Liverpool by 5 minutes. British Athletics then fail to pick him for the actual Championships stating that he is ‘yet to prove his form’. Chris Thompson is selected in his place.
Mick Woods defends his decision to put some of his athletes on 300 miles a week stating that it ‘is the only way to make genuine progress as a 14 year old’.
Charles van Commenee enters the jungle in ITV’s I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.
Leeds announce the signing of three Spaniards and an Italian. The management claim that this does not represent a change in philosophy as they had each ‘visited Leeds or Bradford at least once’. Eightlane praises them for being ‘inclusive’.
Steph Twell wins gold at the European Cross Country Championships. In the post-race BBC interview, Phil Jones asks her about Adam Gemili and Mo Farah.
Usain Bolt calls a press conference to claim that he is ‘the real Father Christmas’. Athletics Weekly run a 4 page spread in support.
British Athletics announce a three year deal with Bernard Matthews as their official turkey provider. Neil Black is pictured with a turkey on his head to promote the link up.
Charles van Commenee wins I’m a Celebrity after revealing that he himself was behind the parody twitter account @CharlesVComedy. He narrowly beats Gaz from Geordie Shore to the title.
Tune in next time (on Monday) for Part II of Fairbs’ season lookahead, including why Greg Rutherford comes under fire, the Boris Johnson controversy and Mo’s unrelenting success…