17 Oct News in Brief: Part One

Fairbs rounds up the weeks news…..

Athlete ‘eats some food without tweeting about it’

A female athlete has enjoyed a three-course meal without a single post on social media, Eightlane understands. The as yet unnamed – but very prominent – female star ate the meal last Friday but it has only come to light this week after it was leaked to the media.

A friend of the star told reporters that the beaviour was ‘totally out of character’ and that she was ‘as shocked as anyone’ by the lack of pictures. “It’s drilled into us isn’t it?” said the friend ‘prepare the food, picture the food and then sometimes eat the food. I don’t know why [unnamed athlete] would do anything different’.

British Airways considering changing name to UK Airways

Global airline British Airways is understood to be in the advanced stages of changing its name to UK Airways to avoid further confusion with the track and field governing body. British Athletics adopted its new name last year in a bid to maximise the feel good factor linked with Britain after the Olympics

British Airways have blamed the association with a drop in sales. A spokesman said ‘people have been getting in touch with us worried that we won’t operate long haul flights anymore. They’d heard that our entire long distance team had resigned. It is hurting us and so we are having to take drastic action’.

Athlete ‘annoyed’ at missing out on free money

A professional athlete has said he is ‘really quite upset’ after being told that he wouldn’t be getting anymore free money. The unnamed competitor – who failed to meet the standard for free money – told reporters that he ‘was probably going to have to get a job now’.

Other athletes were left mystified as to why they were having their free money stopped. One said that he hadn’t been able to compete due to ‘an undiagnosed complaint’ and that he now faced extortionate physiotherapy bills to treat the undiagnosed complaint. ‘It’s an abuse of basic human rights to be honest’ he said from a tearful press conference, ‘we should be given this money forever’.

Runner has meltdown after Garmin runs out of battery

A runner from London is being cared for by close friends and family after his Garmin failed during a training run. The incident happened towards the end of his planned 10 mile ‘steady’ run last night and the failure is thought to be battery related. The approximate 9 mile distance already covered was not recoverable and the runner’s electronic training log now registers no value for yesterday’s workout.

‘He stopped and suddenly crumpled into an embryonic ball’ said an onlooker ‘we went over to see if he was alright and he was desperately pressing buttons on his wristwatch’. Another witness told reporters that a taxi had to be called for the ‘distraught young man’.

Garmin have refused to comment on the record but an investigation is rumoured to be focusing on whether the plug socket was switched on.