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03 Nov News in Brief: Part Three

All the week’s top stories rounded up by Fairbs…..

Seb Coe misses out in lead movie role about himself

Lord Coe has missed out on the chance to star in a film about himself. The lead role has been handed to Daniel Radcliffe who beat Coe in a dramatic final audition. The former Olympic Champion is said to be ‘deeply distressed’ at the news of his failure.

‘We just found Daniel’s performance more powerful and believable’ the film’s casting director told reporters, ‘His Lordship acquitted himself well and we are actively considering offering him the part of Steve Ovett’.

Going out and getting drunk ‘unhelpful to running’

A 19 year-old runner from London has told friends that he has decided that drinking excessively several nights a week is damaging his potential to be a good athlete. The student has decided to cut down his nights out to ‘a maximum of 2 a week’ in a bid to ‘make the most’ of his potential.

‘Realistically, the 6 nights out of the last 7 that I have spent getting drunk in London clubs has probably affected my ability to train hard’ said the runner this afternoon whilst nursing a severe hang-over. ‘I think that if I cut back a little I will reap the rewards and make the breakthrough my talent deserves’.

The 5,000m specialist went onto confirm that he still planned to attend his friend’s 21st birthday party the night before the Liverpool Cross Challenge but would ‘be home by 4am at the latest’.

Flip-flop wearing student ‘stable’ after hyperthermia scare

A student athlete from the University of Birmingham is in a ‘comfortable’ condition in hospital after being admitted with hyperthermia in the early hours of the morning.

The 21 year-old had ventured out on a shopping trip yesterday afternoon wearing just a hoody, shorts and flip-flops. It is thought he became separated from pals and lost his orientation. The bitter wind soon got the better of him and he was found by police slumped in a shop doorway hours later.

‘This is a warning to all students’ said a doctor from the Queen Elizabeth Hospital in Birmingham ‘don’t go out in sub-zero temperatures wearing shorts and flip-flops. The best-case scenario is that you look like a total moron and every sane being laughs at you’.

Cross-Country season starts and then immediately finishes for athlete

A runner has begun and then ended his cross-country season on the same day. The unnamed runner took part in yesterday’s National Cross Country Relays and had been ‘looking forward’ to the event on social media last week.

However after a miserable day in the mud of Mansfield, the athlete told reporters that his 2013/14 season was now over. ‘To be honest, I forgot just how awful the whole thing was’ he said, clutching a hot chocolate after the race. ‘I don’t think messing around in the mud, wet and cold is really my thing and I won’t be doing it again until I have forgotten how frightful it is next year’.