05 Aug Athletics scandals update
COE HEADS TO SANDY BEACH, BURIES HEAD IN IT
Lord Coe – the man almost certain to become the next President of the IAAF – travelled to a local sandy beach today and proceeded to dig a large hole so as to bury his head in it. His Lordship, who had just been made aware of the recent doping allegations to blight the sport, had earlier been seen running around his home with his fingers in his ears shouting ‘la la la la la NOT LISTENING!’
WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS SELECTION SHOCK
British Athletics have selected Spike for the 400m relay team at the forthcoming World Athletics Championships. The former UK Athletics mascot is a ‘proven performer on the world stage’ according to the Governing Body and ‘will bring much needed experience to the team’. Refusing to be drawn on remarks that Spike was unlikely to perform well in the heat of Beijing and had never actually competed in an athletics event, a spokesman for UKA said that the panel had ‘exercised its expert discretion’ in the matter.
POT CALLS KETTLE BLACK SENSATION
A pot has branded a kettle ‘black’ in shocking revelations surrounding doping in athletics. Pot – who said she was ‘furious’ at the recent scandals – struck out at Mr Kettle calling for him to be banned from athletics for life. At press time, it is understood that Pot is maintaining the moral high ground of athletics currently located just above Mariana Trench.
UKA LAUNCH INQUIRY INTO HOW IT ALL WENT WRONG
British Athletics have announced a pre-emptive inquiry into who will be to blame when it all goes wrong. A spokesman said that as part of the organisation’s ‘commitment to scapegoating’, several middle managers will be rooted out and prepared to be sacrificed when the worst inevitably happens.